For His Glory

It's been a tough week.

Although I have thought and prayed about how much to share here, I can't shake the feeling that I really should share. I don't know if it's for you or for me, but I feel that I must write about it.

We found out early this week that we are having another miscarriage. This is number 5, and it has been, of course, sad and exhausting. However, God has chosen this time, as He often does, to show up and make Himself known in some really amazing ways.

Because of our particular fertility issues and my history of early miscarriage, I was hesitant to even take a pregnancy test. Once we see that positive test, the loss becomes much more real and more difficult. It became apparent a little over a week ago, though, that I was most likely pregnant, and a test confirmed that. Well, the day afer I tested, I started some light spotting. I thought that was surely the beginning of the end.

That very night, I got an email from my sweet friend Kim, whose faith and intimacy with God are such a blessing to me! She said that she had been praying for me and felt strongly that when I got a positive test, she was to come over and lay hands on me and pray for me. I expressed my gratitude to her but told her that I thought this one wasn't looking good.

Well, I continued to just have very light spotting, nothing more, for several days. This is not a normal pattern for my miscarriages, so I wasn't sure what to think. Last Wed. evening, we attended a class at church, and afterwards there was a special time of prayer.

We started off praying for the church and our community, and then our pastor called for several groups of people to come forward for prayer -- business owners, those in need of a job, those recently diagnosed with disease, etc. Well, he then called for one more prayer, saying, "Is there anyone here who is struggling to conceive."

Talk about being blown away. I hesitantly lifted my hand, and Eric and I were the only ones who went forward for this prayer. As our pastor prayed, he not only asked that God open my womb, but he prayed at length that we would give birth to a child who would grow to love the Lord and make a difference for Him. It was really amazing and overwhelming to know that God orchestrated these moments for us and led our pastor to this prayer, at this time.

We have walked through this wilderness for 4 1/2 years now (since P was about 1 yr. old), and this is the 1st time someone has prayed for us so specifically and publicly. Twice in one week God led someone in our lives to speak His words to us about this.

I began to feel such peace and hope, just knowing that no matter what happened with this pregnancy, God had shown us that His hand is in this situation. He has not forgotten us, He has not forsaken us, He has not denied us. He is saying clearly that we should not lose hope.

When we were still uncertain at the end of the week, Kim and her husband did come over and share a very special time of prayer with us. Again, the Lord used them to speak words of truth and hope over us.

Eric and I had a date that night, and we talked at length about faith and trust and hope. We read through stories in the Old Testament about women whose wombs were bare, and how the Lord chose to open each one in His time. Although I had heard each of these stories before, I was really struck by the emotion in each of them, the details about how each woman was feeling as she cried out to God to give her a child.

As we left the doctor's office on Monday, Eric commented on how different it was this time -- that I handled the whole thing much differently and seemed much more at peace. I really feel that way, too. As I told him then, although the disappointment and feeling of loss are the same, I don't feel hopeless or abandoned. That makes all the difference, and, as Eric said to me this evening, the way I feel emotionally right now is truly a miracle.

There is much more to the story, but this is already quite long (I hope I haven't lost you)! The point is, although we now know that this pregnancy is ending, there is no devastation with God this time. I am sad, I am exhausted, and it is incredibly hard.

But I am thankful.

I thank Him that He is my loving Father. He is holding us through this time, and He is showing us that He is in control.

This is for His glory.